Ever since I've become a mother, life seems like a constant uphill battle. (Cliche?) Not because of spit-up or temper tantrums. Not because I am currently learning how to meet the needs of two little boys. Not because our bathroom permanently smells like urine with it's new little occupant who happens to have horrible aim. Not even because I can't remember the last time I completed a REM cycle.
It's because it seems like everyone else is doing all this AND... baking cookies, creating masterpieces, running marathons...flippin' SAVING THE WORLD...all while wearing their pre-pregnancy skinny jeans and rockin' hipster bangs.
I have never felt more out of shape, unkempt, unorganized, and unproductive in my life. Trying to divide my time between my two little guys and not feel like I am dividing my heart has become consuming. I feel like I have been a horrible mom to Axton, quick to anger and slow to praise. My poor husband probably thinks I have gone insane...and he can't be too thrilled about whatever the heck has happened to my body! Everything that I felt somewhat defined me is no where to be found. I find that I am comparing myself to everyone else and have become paralyzed with self-loathing and frustration. I am surrounded by wonderful people who are talented and gifted, compassionate and giving. I feel...
...lost.
So, where is the solace? The resolution? How do you find yourself again?
I'm assuming it's a process. A long, grueling, refining process that hopefully leaves you better than you were before...or at least more tamper-resistant?
Erin, I SOO get you on this!! And all I have to say is, you are so right, but it really does get better! I remember when I had Jane, I was a nutcase for the first *ahem* year of her life. The jump from 1-2 kids is an extremely big leap that I was not prepared for. And Maggie did really well through the transition, but it was me who couldn't cope. I wish I had more advice or answers to make it all simpler, but I guess I'm just commenting to say that I hear ya, it's normal, and it does get better.
ReplyDeleteI had a comment all ready to go and I deleted it. What I wanted to say was that the first two months postpartum are what scares me to death about having another kid. It is so hard. I know what you feel is so sucky, but it is also totally normal--unfortunately. But it WILL get better. I don't say that to downplay anything. I wrote a postpartumy blog post when Kimball was a few months old. I remember those dark days. And I can't even imagine what it's like going from one to two. I wish I was there to take Axton for a while or do anything else you need. You are beautiful inside and out, and have a beautiful family. I can't wait to meet little Anchor. Get some good shows on DVD or Netflix to watch when you feed him. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Heaven knows when I have my second I will be begging for it.
ReplyDeleteErin! You are awesome an postpartum sucks. Seriously. And anyone who is making it look easy is either lying or adopted that baby...
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ReplyDeleteErin, I am so sorry! But you are not alone. Seriously, I had a major identity crisis when I had Oliver (and I still feel like I'm having one). Not everyone is doing everything, it just appears that way. My mom told me once "Having a baby is really hard. Everyone does it and makes it look easy, but it is really hard!" And it is so hard. Just think of what you did though. You GREW a baby for NINE MONTHS!!! That is exhausting. AND THEN you pushed it out of a pencil sized hole. WOW!! AND THEN you take care of it ALL. THE. TIME! Seriously, who needs to do anything else. That is amazing. So you just take your pretty little time. Sleep, laze around, read a book, watch TV, and some day you'll feel up for something else. But don't even think for one second you should being doing anything else right now. You've already done so much. Rant over :) Your boys are darling!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I make cookies to drown my inability to mother in calories :) We do what we have to do. Big hugs.
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